Still getting to know me

Introduce yourself week

I am having a tough time right now. Today which is Thursday, just seems if everything could have went wrong did. What I mean by that is right now the wheel bearings are going on my mom’s HHR. Right now we just don’t have the money to replace them so we’re having to rely on others to let us borrow their vehicles until ours gets fixed. We also know that this would happen with her car too because it’s 15 years old now. It was the first car she ever bought and has paid off. So of course this is car or SUV, or whatever they consider an HHR is going to start nickel and diming us now, and well truth be told I love this vehicle.

There is a little piece that I have left out and it changed my outlook on having children, and relationships in general, and that is an ex I didn’t really want into my life, but he forced himself into my life by moving states and convincing my family that he was madly in love with me, and wanted to spend his life with me. Sadly though that was a hoax and it ruined my life for a while, and gave me a lot of deeper trust issues. I can’t have anymore children, but this man or whatever you want to call him. Well he belittled me for that, he also used me as a human ashtray and made me believe that no one would ever want to share their life with me, love me, and if they did, they were what he called losers. It really floored me because of how he treated me when I went to get tested to find out I had a 1% chance of having anymore children, wasn’t even a 5% , but a 1% and it was from having a scare a few years before that with Cervical Cancer, then having a birth control shot that rendered me sterile.

Only one that never treated me like that was and is Blade. Instead this man loves me as I come. I have two daughters with him, and even though him and I have talked about trying for a child about 8 years ago. He went with me to the doctors and they told him that my cervix is closed, and because of spending 13 years on birth control I’m now sterile from it. So we sat down one night watching movies , and it was the Last Boy Scout that we were watching, and it was the part well there is a clip at the end of this post that tells what I’m talking about. Anyways I told him to get me a dog, hence that is how we got Raven and she’s been our little joke because he didn’t think of it with his exes, and they did cheat on him. He tells everyone that he loves that I took something out of a movie, and make us into a family with a dog. Raven is our furry daughter, and she’s our world. So there you have it, the last part that I rarely talk about because those wounds are still a little to raw even after 10 years of the other sneaking out in the middle of the night after 9 months of physical abuse but with 5 years of mental abuse.

Blade is the best thing in my life. He knows of the abuse in both forms, and doesn’t try to hit my triggers that will shut me down fast. Instead he encourages me, loves me, supports me, and does everything he can to make me realize that I can trust him, and love him, and always be at his side and he’ll always have my back, and be there for no matter what. Yes we have our ups and downs, but all couples do. I do love this man, and I’m really trying to keep my wounds semi-healed, and with him I know they are. He shields me from people when he can, doesn’t introduce me to people that I don’t feel comfortable with, and doesn’t force me out and about anymore. He just loves me for me.

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About Shadowz

A woman who enjoys playing video games, and will blog about my experiences, but also record video game play for my YouTube channel.
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