For 13 years I was lost without my heart
For 13 years I was lost
During those 13 years after him and I spilt up for what I thought was good. I was lost, I always thought about him, missed him, and loved him from the distance. That was when I was lost during that time I met someone else and thought it would be an ideal to try and start a life with him, but that turned out to be a bad idea. I met him online in a virtual chat called Halsoft and or Vp Chat (Virtual Places), and he forced his way into my life away from the PC. Moved from New York to Pennsylvania , and I thought I was in love with him. Sadly I wasn’t though, but he also forced his way into my family too. He actually snowballed them into believing he was a good guy when in reality he was anything but. Even though I wanted him out of my life, I did try to force myself to love him, force myself to try and have a good relationship with him. It was working there for a while until the talk of possibility of having children came into play. I found out in late 2006 early 2007 that the birth control I was on had made it nearly impossible for me to get pregnant ever again. Then I was told that my pap test came back inconclusive and they thought I had cervical cancer so they needed to do a cold knife cone biopsy. Which came back negative, but I was told I had a 1% chance of ever having children again in life.
He didn’t say anything bad, and said he would stay by my side no matter what and that he loved me. Man that was a huge ass lie in itself. Then in 2007 we lost my uncle on my mother’s side, and my family pressured me into marrying him, only to make my grandmother happy because I was the only one in my family with anyone. So I did, I didn’t even think of Blade during that time because I knew in my heart that I still loved him and was in love with him, but I was forcing myself to do what my family wanted and not what I wanted. Nothing was ever said again about children between him and I, so I thought we were over it. It was silent on that note for 2 and half years. Then he started again about at least trying for a child, and I caved in, because I was still trying to make him happy even though I was thoroughly miserable being with him. I didn’t love him, I didn’t want a child with him, and I didn’t want him in my life anymore. I just wished that man would leave me because it was during that time he started his mental abuse on me, and started cheating on me with other women online.
So in mid 2009 I went off birth control all the way and was told I had less then a 1% chance of getting pregnant, and he was fine with that, or at least that is what he said. Turned out to be a huge lie. He started slowly with insults, then blaming me for it being my fault that I couldn’t get pregnant. He also said I purposely let myself get misdiagnosed with a scare of cancer. How I wasn’t a woman because I couldn’t get pregnant. I was worthless, and that no one would ever love me. This lasted until I lost my grandmother in February of 2010. Once she died the physical abuse started, and he started using my back as an ashtray. At first he would apologize and say it wouldn’t happen again, but from March until November it kept happening. I never cried out in pain because we had a dog that was highly protective of me, and he would have had her killed for biting him. So to protect her, I shut off my pain receptors to keep her safe. Then at the end of October, beginning of November I had enough finally of both the mental and physical abuse that I told him I wanted him out of my life, and gone for good. He didn’t believe me and at that time we were living here with my mother and her husband, and I never said anything to them either. So my mother told him that he was to be gone by Thanksgiving that year and he did just that. The morning of November 19,2010 he walked out in the early morning after taking all the money out of our account, stealing my laptop and I never heard from him again.
It only takes a second to say I love you, but it will take the rest of my life to show you how much
Enter Blade again
I took a few years to heal from both the mental, and the physical that I endured at the hands of that person. It was also during that time that I found out our marriage wasn’t really legal because he was married to another in the state of New York, and in Pennsylvania they don’t check outside of the state for stuff like that, so I’m not sure how to even this day to get out of this mess because I can’t afford a lawyer and none will talk to me sadly. Not even legal aide so that is a problem too. Then in April of 2013 I set it up to run into Blade again because I wanted closure on us. I wasn’t really even sure why we separated and went our separate ways. Plus a part of me still held a lot of love for him, and I wanted to know if he felt the same. Ironically he did feel the same way because here we are 10 years now still together, fighting the world against us because of his past and because I believed in him. In the last 10 years we’ve had our ups and downs, and I didn’t know if we could make it or not. Despite of it all, our love has held us together, and we stand strong together. I remember the little image he gave me shortly after we decided to move into a place together. “It only takes a second to say I love you, but it will take the rest of my life to show you how much”, and he does that every single day, with every single breath he takes. Blade and I have come full circle in our lives. We love each other madly and deeply. So please enjoy these two songs that we have picked as our songs. The lyrics mean a lot to him and I both. This is lessons learned in real life.
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