Finding Peace | Image found on Unsplash (Instant Images Plugin)

I went down that path last week

Like the title says and the heading. I’m not entirely sure why I took you all down that rabbit hole with my past, the abuse, the mental health diagnoses, and how I try to deal with it. I did want to share my past because I want you to know that your past doesn’t truly define you, but it can be a part of the reason you become the person you are today. Whether you deal with it or not. It ends up motivating you to be something different. It has motivate me to try and stop being so cynical about others around me because of a few bad seeds I’ve been subjected too. I still try to find the good in others, but yet having been through so much with the bad it’s sometimes hard to see the good left in people. Children are the exception up to a point, the only ones I truly see the good in are animals. That is because to me they are perfect in every way. From the scruffy little dog down the street, to the Momma cat trying to find shelter and food for her babies. They are perfect in every sense. It’s us I have the most issues with. I guess with how this world has decided to show me the ugly side of it is why I don’t ever see the good in politicians as well. I know they have a hidden agenda and will lie their way to get into office. It’s why when voting time comes around. I either don’t sometimes, or I leave that field blank. I can’t stand behind a group of people that make their living on lying to the people. It is also why when I was growing up and my mother told me she wanted me to become a lawyer I opted not follow that path. Not because I did not want my parents or lack of parents dictate on what my career choice was going to be. My dad on the other hand just wanted me to do something I would have loved whether it be anything with Computers, or even truck driving. His philosophy was for me to do whatever I loved, or wanted too do. Sadly I did not get into any of those fields not because I did not want too, but because my anxiety over took my life and made it hard to be around people, not to mention no one wanted to help me get my drivers license at the age of 16. I still don’t have my license to this day because no one will help me. My father can’t because he has had a few brain bleeds that have taken his equilibrium is so off balance that he’s now fearful of driving and killing or hitting someone, and injuring either himself or another person, and possibly killing them. Yet my mother says he’s a heartless bastard. I think it says a lot about his character that he would rather never drive again then harm another person, or himself.

Animals can teach us to be 100% better | Photo found on Unsplash (Instant Images Plugin)

Learning to love yourself

Yes it took me quite a few years of learning how to love myself through all the abuse, all the mental health issues. Most importantly I had to learn how to love myself before I could give Blade the love he deserves as well, even though he makes me question my sanity all the time with the stupid shit he does. I’m not sure if he’s just doing it to drive me insane, or it is a guy thing. Either way I love Blade so much that it hurts at times, that is how I know he’s my one and only. He completes me, and it took me years to finally come to realize this. I couldn’t give him the kind of love he deserves if I didn’t heal myself a little bit and learn how to love myself so that I could love him enough to drive myself insane about it. So yeah.