Finding peace in things you enjoy | Photo found on Unsplash

The last mile into the past

I hope a look into my life has given some people hope that they don’t have to suffer alone anymore. I hope that this look into my life has spoken volumes as to my character and how far I have come in life. I have had people in my life say that I’m a victim, but no that is not right. I am no one’s victim. If anything with all that I’ve went through as a child, teenager, young adult, even now as an adult I am a survivor. I have went through the worse a human can do to someone and came out on the other side of it. It was 19 years ago that I was introduced to partner abuse. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did eventually happen to me. I had someone force his way into my life within a month of meeting me online. It’s why I don’t do a whole lot of letting people know who or where I am online anymore. This guy was able to find out where I lived, everything. Its why I tell people now I live around the area of Pittsburgh, PA that is a HUGE area to try to find me now. I also only give my online name to hide that as well. I mean granted my RL information is out on the dark web, but that is what happens when there are a ton of breaches into everything anymore. Blade only knows half of what I have went through. This was his decision to not know the full story and I don’t blame him one bit on that.

This and I have a hard time even considering him a guy, but anyways he caught a greyhound from Rochester NY to Pittsburgh PA, and said he would find a way to get to me if I didn’t come to Pittsburgh and to get him. So I did just that. I was still going through the motions of fixing myself from losing my daughters, and the one and only love of my life. Yes I can honestly say Blade is my one and only. Back to that time. This is not exactly easy to talk about because these wounds are still so fresh in my mind, but it’s part of my journey that I need to share here and now. It is also the only way I can finally put this to complete rest for my sanity. I doubt these wounds will ever heal, but I have to take this risk. I have to explain that abuse is not okay in any form, by anyone. Whether it be parents, caregivers, teachers, etc. Abuse is not and will never be okay in my eyes.

The abuse didn’t start right away, or maybe it did and I didn’t see the signs at first. He pretended to be a loving, caring man that wanted to build a life with me. Or so I thought, From 2005 to 2007 things were smooth for the most part. It wasn’t until late 2006 early 2007 that I thought I started to see the signs of partner abuse start, he was toying with my emotional status by saying things to make me want to try and have a child with him. In the long run I’m glad I couldn’t have anymore children, I had just gotten through a scare with cervical cancer by having a cold knife cone biopsy. While I was in bed recouping he started down the path of doing things behind my back online. Then lie to my face when I would ask him about it. I don’t have a lot of experience with relationships. Blade was my 1st real thing in my life, then I met this asshole. I wasn’t the kind that dated, or playing the field. So I didn’t know that he was cheating on me behind my back, or should I say right in front of me. He snowballed everyone around me. My mother, my father, family, you name it and he had them all believing that he was in love with me, which he wasn’t at all.

It started with small amounts of mental abuse, saying how I wasn’t a woman anymore because I didn’t want anymore children, how I was half a woman because the cancer misdiagnoses was my fault. He tried to say that these women online meant nothing to him, that I was the one he was in love with. It was then I started to see his truth. His true colors so to speak. I didn’t want to believe it so I turned a blind eye. I wish I didn’t because it continued off and on until 2010. I had just lost my grandmother on my mother’s side when the physical abuse started. At first I thought him accidently bumping into me with a lit cigarette was an accident. Then he started doing it again and again, more and more. It was always after another round of mental abuse, him putting me down. The burns were at first kept to my back, I didn’t cry out. I made no sound what so ever when he would do that because he wanted that, and I refused to give into what he wanted. So I endured and suffered in silence. No one touched my back, or shoulders so no one knew. The only people I ever gave hugs too were long gone now. I stopped giving hugs after my grandmother had passed away in Feb of 2010. So it was easy for me to adopt my “No-touching” policy. Across the top of my back, along my shoulders are nothing but scars now from where he gave me 1st and 2nd degree burns. I was able to take care of them myself, and I did so. No one knew about it. I was able to keep the charade going all the way until he left me in November 19,2010. A month before he left me though the abuse started down my arms and onto the forearms that I was able to just say “Mosquito bites.” Everyone around me bought it as most know that negative blood is most tasty too mosquito bites.  It wasn’t until after 3 months after his sudden departure that I finally revealed the truth to everyone around me. Did they believe me? No, not at all. Even with him no longer in my life, they believed the lie, and believed that he wasn’t capable of it.

Only one that believed me, is Blade. I sat him down when we first got back together and told him of the burning. I didn’t tell him of the mental abuse. He already have enough hatred in his heart for that other. His only goal now is to love, support, and to keep me sane as much as he can. So yeah here I am 14 years later still dealing with that abuse, the ex that will never pay for that damage he has done to my mental health. Why did I decide to share my story? I have no clue, part of me just wanted to share it because it needs to be talked about, needs to be seen by someone who may have gone through something like this, or is going through it, whatever the reason. I just needed to share the story.